I've been found out

This is MagicPipe, blogging from an unknown location. The Pilgrims had found me, so I had to go on the run. After posting a picture of their Military Leader, they sent Amish assassins after me. Fourtunately for me though, I scared them away with "Heathen Technology." Scary, right? Then I realized I had to get away, so I took one of the Amish Assassin's Buggies and went on my way. Contrary to what you may believe, my mom did NOT get scared, and did NOT send me to live with my auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. However, the evil forces of Mecha-Stephen Colbert, an evil Doppleganger of the beloved hero Stephen Colbert, did chase me to a currently undisclosed location.

So now it is time to go to war. I will gather my pocket and bellybutton lint army, and wait for volunteers to help me fight the Pilgrims. We're going to take them down. Once and for all. With the help of PENIS, the evil forces of the Pilgrims and their allies, Amish, Decepticons, Republicans, Democrats, the Vatican, the Freemasons, Stonecutters, Mecha-Stephen Colbert, and Fanboys will be destroyed! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

The Pilgrim's greatest Champion.

Of course, where there are heroes, there are villains. The Pilgrims have one Champion that stands tall amongst the others. A demon so vile, he brings death wherever he travels. I will tell you of the Dark One today, and his lieutenants another day. He has brought terror to children for thousands of years. You may already know who I speak of.

Putt-Putt. Commander of the Pilgrim armies, slayer of Jesus, and the mind behind 9/11, World Wars I and II, and his darkest achievement, Arby's. He must be stopped at all costs. He has created propaganda games, in which he saves zoos and wins races, but they are all produced by sinister penguins. For every kill he makes in battle, he tears out the enemy's heart, and devours it, along with their soul. It is said that he can be killed by nobody. But we will defeat him one day. And all the children in the world will come and play in the fields, and then a herd of roaming pedophiles will come and steal them. It will be Putt-Putt's use of the last ounce of strength within himself.