Apologies for the lack of updates in my crusade against the Pilgrims

Indeed, it seems that I rarely update you noble readers with details on my latest activities against the Pilgrims. I have been doing things lately (NOT including harvesting small children for my death machines) that have left me unable to update this "blog," or as it should be called: GLORIUS BASTION OF INFORMATION FOR VICTORY AGAINST THE WICKED. Fortunately, I plan to post more often in two weeks, after I eat the leftover childr- errr, take midterms.

P.S. I'm considering coming back to Maple. Y/N?

Pilgrims distribute "Teaser Trailer" For Ultimate Weapon!

That's right. Those Buckle-hatted Devils are at it again. On Wedensday, December 19th, 2007, a day that shall forever live in infamy, the Pilgrims posted a "teaser" for their superweapon that some believe don't even exist. Codenamed "Duke Nukem Forever," PENIS intelligence has gathered that this will be an array of nuclear missles incase the PENIS Corps ever gains the advantage in this war. We have been setting it back though, or at least we think we have. We've been destroying their buildings believed to be making it, and even assassinated and replaced Pilgrim General Greg Broussard with a robot. He is believed to be in charge of the project. If it is real, may Cthulhu save us all.

Glorious Victory in the Name of Cthulhu!

I bring good news, readers. Our attack on the fiendish Pilgrims was an overwhelming success. There were parade floats, fires, tires, puppy blood, and pilgrim buckles littering what is now the rubble of the mighty Pilgrim Death Fortress. We now are on the road to defeating the Pilgrims once and for all! In the name of those who stand for freedom in this world, they will no longer have to hide! THE PILGRIMS ARE ON THEIR DEATH KNELL! CTHULHU FHTAGN! UNDER THE GREAT ONE'S LEADERSHIP, FREEDOM AND CAKE WILL REIGN!


In Memoriam of the Energizer Bunny, who was ran over in a car accident last night, and then gunned down. 1989-2007

Preparing for the war....

Alright, I have assembled the full strength of my armies, including a box of dead kittens now. Tonight we will attack the Pilgrims fortress of the nearby McDonald's restaraunt. We may not survive. If I die, tell a charity that I've posthoumosly donated my belongings, but when giving it to them, set it, and them on fire. It will be a final message to those buckle-hatted bastards.


I've looked over their defenses. These are it:

To arms, bretheren! The Pilgrims will be boiled like puppies in a flamethrower! There will be Cornucopias everywhere! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I've been found out

This is MagicPipe, blogging from an unknown location. The Pilgrims had found me, so I had to go on the run. After posting a picture of their Military Leader, they sent Amish assassins after me. Fourtunately for me though, I scared them away with "Heathen Technology." Scary, right? Then I realized I had to get away, so I took one of the Amish Assassin's Buggies and went on my way. Contrary to what you may believe, my mom did NOT get scared, and did NOT send me to live with my auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. However, the evil forces of Mecha-Stephen Colbert, an evil Doppleganger of the beloved hero Stephen Colbert, did chase me to a currently undisclosed location.

So now it is time to go to war. I will gather my pocket and bellybutton lint army, and wait for volunteers to help me fight the Pilgrims. We're going to take them down. Once and for all. With the help of PENIS, the evil forces of the Pilgrims and their allies, Amish, Decepticons, Republicans, Democrats, the Vatican, the Freemasons, Stonecutters, Mecha-Stephen Colbert, and Fanboys will be destroyed! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

The Pilgrim's greatest Champion.

Of course, where there are heroes, there are villains. The Pilgrims have one Champion that stands tall amongst the others. A demon so vile, he brings death wherever he travels. I will tell you of the Dark One today, and his lieutenants another day. He has brought terror to children for thousands of years. You may already know who I speak of.

Putt-Putt. Commander of the Pilgrim armies, slayer of Jesus, and the mind behind 9/11, World Wars I and II, and his darkest achievement, Arby's. He must be stopped at all costs. He has created propaganda games, in which he saves zoos and wins races, but they are all produced by sinister penguins. For every kill he makes in battle, he tears out the enemy's heart, and devours it, along with their soul. It is said that he can be killed by nobody. But we will defeat him one day. And all the children in the world will come and play in the fields, and then a herd of roaming pedophiles will come and steal them. It will be Putt-Putt's use of the last ounce of strength within himself.

The Pilgrim Evil Negation Invincibility Squardon

In order to secure society from the Evil of Pilgrims, I have decided to form a group to combat the Pilgrim Hordes and prevent them from doing any more evil things. The Pilgrim Evil Negation Invincibilty Squadron, or P.E.N.I.S., is a group dedicated to fighting the Pilgrim Menace. We will wage our battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons Pilgrims. We will defeat them. It may not be soon, but ONE DAY, THE PILGRIM MENACE WILL BE DECLARED OVER, AND WE WILL SMASH THEIR LEADER ONCE AND FOR ALL!

To join P.E.N.I.S., please inquire in the comments section. OR GET AIDS. Both are fine. We WILL defeat the Pilgrims. And Peace WILL be Restored to the Universe. For Justice. For Glory. For Muffins. MMM.... Muffins. Yum-riffic.